A few weeks ago I was rocking Sophia before she went to bed. She looked up at me and said in the the sweetest voice....."You are the best Momma ever.......from China." My heart stopped. I looked at her and told her I wasn't from China to which she proceeded to ask me where I was from. I told her "here" and then talked about that a little more. I tucked her in bed and as I left the room the tears began to swell in my eyes for I knew that the time was fast approaching that she would begin to ask questions other than just knowing "she is from China and we brought her home on a airplane to be a family." Since then she has gone through the entire family....asking where each one is from. She found it very interesting to hear that my sister Ingrid was from Korea. Yesterday she was on the couch watching Peter Pan with Daniel. She stands up, looks over the couch at me and says....."Momma you are my best friend in the whole wide world......from here." Again, my heart stopped and again I realized that she is processing this whole idea in that precious little mind and soul of hers. I'm not ready.....I'm not ready to take her down this journey....what if I don't have all the right words, what if one little thing I say, she takes it a whole different way and it confuses her? I want to protect her and yet I know before kindergarten next Fall, we will have to really talk about this. I'm scared. I'm not ready. She is my sweet, sweet Fia and my heart pounds at the thought of these first few conversations to start it all. I can only hope and pray that the right words of comfort and understanding will come from my heart and soul to comfort hers.
30 comments:
Steffie- I know exactly what you are feeling. That heart pounding shortness of breath that first comes when they speak their thoughts and begin sorting out adoption issues.
You are a fabulous mama- and you will be fine. The more you practice now- the more comfortable you will be later when the words may be even more important (scrutinized by her!).
My Grace is five and even though she has been really talking and asking since four- we are still working on it- and more often than not her questions make my heart pound.
We just want to protect and love our sweet angels!
Wow. I'm so glad I have a friend like you to go through this first. I'm taking your lead, Steffie. My eyes are full of tears thinking about this someday. Hugs.
PS. It's been an interesting couple of days sinceJosie's post-surgery. The Mommy is very very tired.
I don't know what to say to help you only because I am not there yet.. but will one day..
But I know that you will have all the right words..
Sophia is a BEAUTIFUL little girl...
Hugs girly.. I know it will be tough.. but you will do it..
Have a WONDERFUL WEEK...
This picture is breathtaking..
Have a Great Sunday..
She is an amazingly bright little girl obviously. You are right, she is starting to process.
Be thankful that she is so bright. And be thankful that you are the right person for the job. You are warm, loving and best of all her mommy.
This post has really touched me. I read it through three times.
Lea
xo
Steffie!! I wish I could give you a big hug and tell you that it will all be ok, so instead I have to give you a cyber hug and tell you that your heart will allow you to say all the right things...always.
It's a journey. Paige started asking questions around Sophia's age. You are SO wise to start talking about this before Kindergarten, because that is when ALL the questions started flooding in from Paige's friends. If she hadn't been equipped and secure enough with what my parents and I had told her, I don't think she could have handled it.
Follow her lead. We were honest with Paige and didn't sugarcoat one thing. When she said it made her sad that she didn't know who her china mommy was, we said we understood and that it just plain stinks. If she was sad, we were there to hold her and comfort her. She is 10 now and is so secure in telling new friends her "story". She still has many days that she will talk to us about wishing she could go to China and find her parents to let them know she is happy and ok...it's all heartbreaking.
You are one wonderful mommy!!! You WILL say and do all the right things, because you ARE Sophia's world.
HUGS SWEET GIRL!!!
Oh Steffie, big hugs to you! Don't worry, just follow her lead and be honest. It won't all happen in one conversation, but she will pick up bits and pieces each time you talk about it. Actually, I find that the more we talk about it around here, the easier it gets. I'm sure we'll have our moments as the girls get older, but for now, they are proud of their stories and share them with anyone who will listen.
I love that picture of Sophia, what a little sweetie she is!
Steffie, Yes...it starts like this. Questions now and then. She is starting to process and understand her story of her adoption. Grace is 2 years older than Sophia and you know recently Grace has had many, many questions. She and I talk at length and both of us cry together sometimes. You will have the right words...don't be afraid...they just come and it will be right. This is a journey for us ALL as parents and children and we are here right beside them, every step of the way.
hugs and love,
Gail
Steffie we are going through this with Addison. You should read my blog. Addison likes to point out everything that is alike between us and that is what we concentrate on. She never talks about what is different. I know it's all coming...I am trying to hold on to my heart for I know that day will come. Livi won't even discuss that she is from Korea...it's like she blocks it out. That's ok I don't force it I feel one day she will come around. : )
Talk to her from your heart...
Jennifer started ask questions at 4when Jillian was first home. She tried to piece together the whole process and that brought up questions surrounding her adoption.
At six she is so comfortable with her story and is so proud of her heritage.
Hugs..
I so understand your doubts but I honestly do not think you have anything to worry about. The love you have for ALL your kids shows and they ALL know it. I personally think the hardest part is what kids at school say to them. I have always told my 2 to be proud of being Korean and be proud of being adopted and never try to hide the fact that they are adopted. They need to open others peoples eyes to how wonderful adoption is even at their age.
Have a great Christmas!!
I feel the same way! I almost don't want her to start talking! haha
I will keep you in my prayers and me too! Please continue to share as your progress. I can take all the lessons I can get.
Otherwise. you love her and no matter what you say, it will come out with love and be fine. Its all it takes.
Oh, how I dread these moments. I too worry I will not have the right words or say the wrong words....Will what I know about her past ever be enough?? Oh, how I pray so. Tears welled up in my eyes just reading your post.
May God lead us both to the words these precious girls need.
Merry Christmas,
lora
My heart was in my throat as I read this....Oh how I dread the day....although our situation with Sarah will be a little different, still all the same thought provoking questions!!
She is such a smart little girl..very intuitive!! You will find the right words....follow your heart.
Merry Christmas!
Lisa
Oh my. I never gave that much thought.....
I'm sure the right words will come at the right time. Your an awesome Mom.
Bless your momma heart.
Saying a prayer for you.
Merrty Christmas
My daughter is almost 4 now and I started with little tidbits very early. It gets easier the more you talk about it. I'm glad I was open and honest starting when she was 2.5 because now she is super comfortable talking about it. Trust your gut, you'll know when and what the answers are for your daughter. When Alexa was 3.5 the book "Motherbridge of Love" was a huge turning point for her. Good luck! : )
Steffie I have been there and I know how terrified you are and how fast the tears can come on, because we would just like to freeze them in time. I know all of what you are feeling, but just trust in God, all of the right words will come out and all will be ok. I know they will.
Love, and many many blessings, Kristy
Hi Steffie. I so wish I could say that I relate to this but we have not experienced anything like what you posted at all. So far...my Francesca is all about being a Chinese-Italian. Seriously, that what she tells everyone. I know there will be "day" when she will have questions for me that I will not be able to answer. (it is that day that I will have to truly listen to what she is asking me...and answer her the best that I can...)
Oh Steffie your sweet Sophie is wise beyond her years and blessed to have you as her Mommy. God will give you the wisdom to answer those hard questions. She is truly a gift from the Lord. Merry Christmas to you and your family.
My heart goes out to you and Sophie...its never an easy thing, and SO important!!
Merry Christmas!!!!
Susan
Oh sweet friend, just have the tissues ready for yourself. I have had that conversation and it's not easy. Mine processed as much as she could in her little mind while I was blubbering on the inside trying to explain her journey to us in simple words. No matter what, you are her mom and she ADORES you!!
Adoption is on hold, but that's another post for next week. Have a Merry Christmas!!
Well, missy, these girls are on the same track. I have been asked where I was born and other questions. Only, Noah repeats all that Mya says so I get it in duplicate. I told her I was born her in the United States. Then I added that my grandfather was born in Denmark and Keith's great grand parents were born in Germany, Sweden and Norway. I don't think she totally got it but it seemed to deminish the questions. The funniest comment I got from them was that my eyes were cut. Took me a bit to figure out that they were referring to the stretch in the corner of their eyes that I don't have. Hmmm . . . deep thinking.
don't worry, you won't have all the right words and you will have them right when you need them most!!
Oh, Steffie, this is such a tough one. Mia still doesn't get it, but I've had the talk with Leila, but have been thinking lately I need to take it up a level and really talk to her about her birth mother more often, making sure she's not trying to piece anything together in her mind. I think the dreaded word, "real", has been used at school. (This is where living in a bubble doesn't seem like a bad thing.)
Elementary school brings on a whole new level of questions and emotions. It all started for us with an assignment of showing a timeline of her life, starting with her baby pictures (of which we have none less than age 2). I have no doubt you will have the perfect words for Sophia, though, when the time comes.
I wish you and your family a very, Merry Christmas!
Love,
Michelle
you've been tagged on my blog, check it out when you get a chance..
I made Jane a book at Shutterfly that tell the story of her coming home. I cry every time I read it, but she can't hear enough.
You may (or may not) lack the right words, but your heart is the perfect one to be Sophia's mommy's!
I share your feelings and concerns. Our gentle and loving shepherd will lead us in this. His heart is for restoration and peace, in that we can put our trust as our girls face some difficult questions. It does make my heart pound just as you described as so often I think of this child as my flesh and blood, there is no difference between her and my boys in the heart connection we have. I am not ready either, for the questions and for my responses. We are all in this together and we can pray for our precious daughters as they grow.
Caroline just knows we went to China to bring her home when she was a baby. Peter knows he has birthparents out there and that we know who they are, but he doesn't want to know who they are right now. I'm letting him lead.
I think Ingrid and you mom can give you good insight into compassionate but truthful language to use.
Truth coming from the people she trusts most in her life is much better than truth coming from others. Peter is able to articulate very well that he is adopted and that we are his real family.
I am dreading the day Briana starts asking questions too. I am just enjoying the fact that she is so little right now and doesn't understand. I hope I am able to answer her questions the right way. I don't know if I'll ever be ready...
I stumbled on your blog and just wanted to say that I can relate in how a parent tried to choose words wisely when discussing a situation with your child.
My son is 11 years old now and a few months back he had come to me and wanted "the birds and the bees" talk". I did not think I could do it but as I started, I found that the words do come and it was not that hard at all.
It will come to you. You will be fine.
Cindy @ www.successfulwahm.blogspot.com
Im not sure how I got to your blog but reading your posts have been such a blessing and the beautiful pictures of your children. Thank God for people like you. I am in the process of adopting a sibling group of 3 from CPS and its a long process. Just knowing to share or not to share or HOW to share is a challenge, but knowing that He who began a good work is faithful to complete it...is good enough for me. God Bless and always BELIEVE ~Liz
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