Time For An Intermission

Last July I was able to request from my agencies COP list for the first time. I sent in 3 different letters after I got the green light from my doctor. I was drawn to a little girl that would have fallen right in between Sophia and Daniel. Obviously, we were not matched. I was okay with this because I knew other's had been waiting so much longer, but it was hard. I waited to see on my agencies board if the one I was drawn to would be announced. She was, along with the other two, and deep down I knew I had to rejoice that they would soon be coming home to their forever families. Since then, my sw has forwarded me every list that has come out. I have asked for files off of every list and even some of the ones on the re-release. I also sent an email back to her saying if "so-in-so" is on the re -release, please let me know. They never are.....they are matched. Deep down I am happy that these children will soon come home to their forever familes. However, I am with "the agency" that changed the rules out of the blue and decided that until you are through the review room, you may not request during the first release. Only the re-release. I have tried to stay calm about this, and for the most part, I have. I have never been deeply drawn to one like I was last July. I have been researching needs and seeing what comes on these lists. Searching other countries and so on. So, it has now been a year that I can't request, because although I am logged in for nearly 15 months, I am sadly not through the review room yet. On June 17th, last week, the COP list came out again. I asked for 4 girls and 1 little boy. I began opening the emails. The last file to open was the little boys. He was only two MONTHS younger than Sophia. That night I could not stop thinking about him. On Wednesday morning, I opened all the file attachments for him. I wept.........terribly........this little boy fit our profile as a family, his background, everything. I began praying....crying....praying....crying and by Wednesday evening, I had decided that because he was older that perhaps not too many would request for him and the fact that he was a boy. I was going to request for him. Thursday morning I dropped off his medical info to my doctor. I got the green light, which I knew I would. I told very few friends and I asked them to pray for us and for this little boy. I received emails all weekend long.....yesterday and today.....thank you so much....you know who you are. Your encouragement and words were amazing!!!! I began thinking through my letter and wondered what my sw would think. On Friday afternoon, I sent a very vague note to my sw telling her she would get my letter Monday morning and I would wait to hear from her on Tuesday. (the date our agency said matches would be announced) Not 15 minutes later my phone is ringing and it is her. Fear of hearing her tell me "no" I let it ring 3 times before I decided to answer. She was confused and thought we had missed paper work or something. I told her my plan and paused............she said "Stefanie, tell me what is on your heart".....so I poured out my heart and soul and she told me to write the letter because of the child/age/boy. So I did......for the last seven days I have cried and prayed and have been nearly ill. I cried in church on Sunday....I went up to our church again today and prayed in our sanctuary....I prayed for strength.... for which ever way God intended it to be. I am exhausted from the lack of sleep and this fuzzy, cloudy feeling in my head. I got the call today, one hour after the match time was to begin. No match. She said that they did read my letter, but felt they needed to stay with review room rules. They gave him to some that had been logged in for 21 months. Needless to say, I was disappointed and my beautiful dreams shattered. I'm sure many of you are thinking "well, Steffie, you knew the rules".......but it is like I told my SW, if I didn't try......I think I would be disappointed in myself......I would always wonder. I was so drawn to this boy....but....as I have said.....I do rejoice in knowing that he has been placed with someone. The hardest part for me has been Emmie's reaction. She sobbed and sobbed and sobbed on the boat with me. I held her, kept calm as I tried to soothe her heart. She thought for sure we would be the family to bring him home. I think after the Chapman loss and her anger with that, this was just too much for her. She is very upset. For me personally.....this COP journey is far harder then waiting for a referral. I'm not sure even when I am through the review room.....and who knows when that will be.....that I can put myself and my family through this again. I will have to feel deeply drawn to a child once again.........so for now, I need to take a break. I am exhausted emotionally and physically. I have bags under my eyes and I am tired. This is not a pity party post.........I needed to let it out........and I just need to collect myself.........look at all my children and just be happy and move on. But I am sad........so very, very sad.