- I feel blue.
- I am upset.
- Very upset.
- I can hardly believe this wait went from 6 months to 2+ years.
- I don't want to wait that long to complete my family.
- I know that I am blessed and that I should thankful.
- Those of you that are waiting for your first child or to add to your family, my heart truly understands your pain. I want this journey for you.
- My fuse is short lately.
- It has not been fair to my children.
- I have been searching online at the waiting children.
- Emailing all agencies asking about their policies to switch over.
- I'm considering pulling out from our agency if we find a child and can be matched.
- I'm scared at the thought.
- I'm just about 6 months LID. I should be getting my referral and I'm not. Sophia's came at this point.
- David does not want to leave Bethany.
- I am so upset.
- I'm upset for ALLOWING myself to BE upset.
- I don't know what to do.
- Is my family complete?
- I can't do this for 2 more years. I know myself. Perhaps going into denial or withdrawing totally would be best.
- I don't feel like blogging.
- I miss all of you, but it has become difficult to read your pain as well.
- I can feel your pain. I don't like that.
- My head hurts.
- I need clarification.
- I don't like feeling like this.
- Do I move my oldest child down to the main level and prepare for another?
- Leave a room empty for over 2 years?
- The thought is insane.
- I am so upset.
- Keep busy they say.
- I do.
- It doesn't help.
- What if I don't want to start over 2+ years from now?
- I am 40.
- My husband will be 51 in November.
- Is that fair to a child?
- I will be 60 or 61 when she graduates High School.
- Is that fair?
- I need to clear my head and find some peace.
- Denial.
- Pretend there is no second adoption.
- Move on.
- I am so upset.
- My heart aches.
- My stomach churns constantly.
- I can't even bare to participate in my Yahoo group.
- Or my Bethany group.
- My quilt fabric is not even cut. It just sits there. It is beautiful.
- What do I say on a good wish card?
- I just feel so blue.
67 comments:
I am just so sorry, my heart is aching for you, I remember the wait, it's the worst.
I hope you find some peace with all that's troubling your heart.
(((hugs))
I am so sorry to hear you are feeling so down. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Nope. Nope nope nope nope. I'm coming over, we are downing a glass of wine, and giving each other a hug, and remembering that the best laid plans almost never go the way WE expect them to, but the way God intended all along, even if it doesn't seem like it at the time.
Woman. I know your pain, and I've thought myself thruogh this in just the same way. Single. 40 in less than 3 months. Is this fair?
We put ourselves out there, we asked. God will give if we keep our arms open with the patience of saints.
I will pray for you. I trust in your gut. You want this so badly it's tearing you up, so obviously you were meant to adopt again. That kind of fire isn't man made.
Now go curl up and take your time, cry it out and get your butt back up and FIND YOUR CHILD. She's been right there all along, in your heart. Now it's just a matter of logistics.
I love you.
Keep Smiling..Again, I will send you that bottle of alcohol to help you cope..;-)
{{{{HUGS}}}}
I can't say that I totally, completely understand, because I am not living this. However, I can imagine your pain and I am so, so sorry...
Sorry you are feeling so down.
I don't understand why everything has slowed down so much in China, but the wait does seem unbearably long.
Have you considered adopting an older child? Would that change anything?
Hugs from MN. We support whatever decision you make. Love ya. I think that 6 month mark is VERY hard cuz we were in China at that point. Cyber HUGs!
I HEAR YA!!
I just did a post basically EXACTLY like this one just a few minutes ago!!
Although...your point form version was MUCH quicker to read than mine!! ;)
I hope you feel better soon!!
I'm sorry that you feel this way and I completely GET your pain. Once again, I'm feeling extremely guilty with all our online correspondence on Friday.
(hugs) my online friend,
Kim K.
Steffie,
You make my heart hurt. I am so sad that you are feeling so blue. Let your heart guide you. It has from the beginning, so don't doubt it now.
Looking forward to Saturday.
Steffie, I'm so sorry. I know we don't "know" eachother, but know that I will be praying for you. Only God knows what He has in store for you and your family. (Wouldn't it be nice if he shared that kind of info???)...know that you are loved, and we are here for you. I pray for you, and your family...whether that be the ones you already have and love, or another out there somewhere waiting for you...I pray for you all!
BLessings-Andie
I am sorry..my heart goes out to all that are waiting.
Follow your heart as it will tell you what the right thing to do:)
Diana
hmmmmm... no pics of the party!?
lol
thats all good cuz then no one will ever see kenzie shake it lol jk jk
anyways ttus
love kenzie
I'm so sorry. Like you (the first time) our wait was only 6 months. We would like to adopt again, but haven't started the process due to finances. When we DO start, I wonder what the wait will be. Even longer than two years? Doesn't even seem possible. Hard to wrap my mind around. If it's any consolation, you are 6 months ahead of many people, including me. :) I'm so sorry.
Consider:
This timeline is not ours to control; accept it and go on and enjoy the life you have been given at this moment; when your daughter arrives, because you stayed the course, that will be the life you were meant to have at that very moment.
Don't given in to the temptation to give up, change course or look for a quick fix elsewhere; this path is the one you chose, no one said it would be easy, just worth it in the end.
You will be 58 when your son graduates from high school, what's two more years in the big picture; you'll be 60 anyway, why not have 20 years of joy with your 2nd daughter from China to look back on and be thankful for.
Throw yourself into the moment(s)right now, don't be distracted by the agony of this wait; it is temporary; this too shall pass.
I'm not giving a sermon, just some wise insight because I've been there and have made it to month 14, and cannot wait for the day when she is placed in my arms and I can say I'm so glad I waited.
You will be too. ;)
(((HUGS))) I am so sorry that you are feeling blue. I appreciate your vulnerability and willingness to share your honest thoughts.
Can I just say that your post is EXACTLY how I feel today? My emotions have overtaken my logical senses. A tad different in that I can't EVER birth a child. My womb is forever closed. I can't even start the next adoption for lack of funds to even do a homestudy. Today I got all jealous of Steven Curtis Chapman and his family for having three bios and three from China and then they implore us to adopt the orphaned children of the world. I want to. My family isn't complete either. Too bad it costs money. I hear you and I totally feel your pain with you. I wish so badly that we really did know each other and that we could hug...literally. I will pray for you to have direction.
Oh, Steffanie, I am so sorry. I understand. I know how overwhelming this journey can be. We are all here for you. Stay the coarse your daughter needs you. I know it doesn't feel like it but you have come so far already. If it does turn out to be 2 years it will be so hard but it will because you are waiting on God, not the CCAA. He knows who your child is and it will be His grace that carries you through each day.
Hang in there friend. Keep praying for His direction with your agency. You are in my prayers... I am so sorry you are hurting.
God's Speed
As I told you earlier: I'm here for whatever you may need.
Love you tons!
BLOGGER HUGS GIRLY...
You will make what decision is right for you..
I thought we would have Isabella in our arms or a referral by now..
I want my oldest child to know and be around her little sister.. and he wants to too..
But I truely think this journey will speed up.. I think they just need to get through 2005 and then I think it will go faster...
I hope you find peace...
I will be praying for you..
I love reading your blog and I hope you don't stop blogging...
I am here for you girly...
I wish I lived closer..
Take care
Kim
Know that from all the way over here there is another Mommy that feels THE VERY same way - we are in this together girl!!! Know that I am praying for you - I have to keep reassuring myself that it isn't our time yet because our little ones aren't ready for us yet - but when they are......we will be waiting with open arms!! I love ya!!
Oh hunny, I know, I know. I am feeling so down lately. I cry at the drop of the hat. I didn't know that sadness could affect you physically, but my body actually feels sad. It hurts. I want my baby girl SO BAD. But I LOVE what one commenter said - this kind of fire isn't man made. We are meant to do this, girl. Hang on. Wait for your baby. She is waiting for you.
hugs...I am sorry for the unbearable wait. I don't think its wrong to seek your child on other agencies lists. I know many forever famlies have been created by people taking a huge leap of faith and leaving their agency.
I personally don't feel you are too old. I have no desire to have an empty nest myself.
I pray you find the answers and peace you need.
I know this wait is hard. I'm right there with ya. We have been so consumed with big transitions in our life right now, so I haven't focussed much on the wait time lately. I just looked at my counter on my blog and see we've made it 5 1/2 months. Wow. We got our referral for S.G. at 11 months. 2 more years to go?!! UGH!!
I am feeling your pain. I was just talking to Richard about the same thing last night. I was teling him about your agency's new policy. I am going through the exact same self doubt. I don't know if I want to start over in two years either. I even thought maybe I'd just get preg. (it has been easy for me in the past, thank God). That doesn't solve my problem though. We have been waiting for only 4 months. I don't know what to do either. We could go to SN, but Richard isn't sure about that right now. We'll see.
My dh and I are in a similiar situation age wise, I was at the same point 2 months ago with the wait and making decisions with what was best for our family. I'm so sorry Steffanie, you are in my thoughts and prayers. This wait is horrible, but we can and will get through it. Take care. Gail
I'm going to go out on a limb here and make a suggestion. Of course, you don't have to accept my suggestion, I'm just putting it out there for you.
Have you considered an older child on the SN list? Someone perhaps 10 years of older? THere is another blog with a couple who adopted a 12 year old (now 13). She is their only child so far. She has done wonderfully here and has kept in touch with her friends from the SWI who have been adopted into the US. Their blog address is: http://bringingbackbaby.typepad.com/going_to_chinabringing_ba/ You can look it over and talk with them if you want. She has keen insight about the challenges and blessings of an older child adoption.
By the way, I was 42 when Caroline came home, Rick was 48 and he will be 51 in April.
Hang in there.
Teresa
Ohh Steffie. My hearts aches for you and everyone in this journey. This is what really scares me. The wait must be so hard. I can not imagine.
You must do what is in your heart. Only you know what is right for your family. I truly beleive that she is our there waiting for you!
Cry if you must! Shake it out and come back we will all be here waiting for you!
HUGS!
I am sorry for the pain you're feeling regarding the wait. I feel these same emotions. I'm constantly trying to figure out a way to be "comfortable" with the wait, but I just don't want to accept it.
(As an fyi, it's my understanding that you can't pull your dossier and switch agencies--per CCAA rules--so don't make any quick decisions just yet.)
I am here with you. Totally understand what you are going through. That is why I haven't been around...
Take care of yourself. Lots to think about, I know.
I am so sorry that you are struggling. Don’t worry about your age. 40 is not that old. Plus I think the older we get the wiser we become. You just enjoy parenthood so much more because you realize how quickly it goes. Don't give up!
Praying for you on what ever decision God leads you to.
Steffie,
I so needed to read your post. I hate that you are feeling this way but it helps me to know that I am not alone in how I feel about this wait we are going through. I wept as I read all of the things you listed on this post because I feel the EXACT same way. I haven't even felt like blogging much because I am just a little blue lately. Okay, I am VERY blue lately. Girl, we need to talk. I might just call you up one day because this wait is hard. I have questioned if I need to continue in this wait or not. I worry about our ages as well. I am just not up for this long wait right now. I am praying that God will change my heart about this. I am very, very discouraged.
P.S. I tried limiting my post to about 10 posts per page. I hope this will help my problem. Thanks.
Steffie... I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling blue. This process is such a roller coaster of emotions and a test on our spirit constantly. This is truly one of the hardest journies. I amdire you for doing this post and proving that waiting families are not alone in their feelings. You and your family are in my prayers!!!!!!!!!
Stef,
Count your blessings name them one by one! Ok, here is my heartfelt comment on your current situation.
It may help and it may not, but when I have faced many trials in my life( several miscarriges,failed marriage, death of loved ones) and many more disappointments I have had to force myself down upon my knees and humbly just praise my saviour and as a testemant to my faith. Say ok Lord I do not understand these things that I must go through but I will give you all the glory through the good, the bad and the most painful moments of my life. I will not question you why as again a testemant to you that I believe in you and what you are doing in my life. Just dont pray for patience... I made that mistake and oh my gosh I am so careful for what I pray for now.LOL
God knows your heart and he knows your pain. Trust and obey for there is no other way. He is a faithful God. What we go through that will bring us to our knees will only strengten us in the end if we so choose.
Stef, you know that you have so much to be thankful for. You have a beautiful family and God knows what your future holds. Just praise him through it all.
I dont pretend to know the pain you go through waiting with adoption but the pain in your heart that aches for your loved ones I know something about. So I lift you up in prayer and encourage you to pray for others in your adoption support family and just praise him through it all.
I hope these words lift your spirit. Rise up and be blessed!
Tomorrow is a new day. Dont give up!
Michele Clay Burns
p.s. I have a prayer request.
Please pray for my Dad. He has been batteling prostrate cancer for several years. Friday we learned through a test that it has now spread to his bones. I am not , no not even ready to face this, but just as I have said above I am going to praise him through it all!!!
Sorry you are feeling blue. I think like you said, the hard part is we were on the last of the 6 months to referrals thing back in 2005 and so now this extended wait just is so hard!
{{HUGS}}
Don't settle for anything less than your dreams.
Hang in there Stephi! You are not the only one who is blue and is having these exact same thoughts. Many Many Hugs!!!
I know there is nothing anyone can say that will take away the feelings you have.There is only one thing i can do for you,well I guess two things.
First on a serious side I will be praying that God gives you peace and patience and helps you to feel his love ever present in your life.That he reminds you daily that there is some day going to be a very special child that he will place in your arms.We have to remember as hard as it is to accept that it is in HIS time.I know when i want things I want it NOW!!!!!It is so hard to always trust that his plan is the right one.It is our general nature to want to be in control and have things when we want them.I know you know all this deep in your heart .I also know that it is easy fro me to say all this as I am not the one waiting for that special child to come to my home.
OK now for the good stuff to make you smile............
You just need Mr.Brian to come out to your place plant a big kiss on your cheeks,do some Dutch dances with you,eat some pig in the blankes,Have a few drinks and just talk about our lives and what we have all learned and been through.I will then again, give you a big hug and kiss so you can post it on your blog and tell the others you have Mr.Brian all to yourself,hence putting all these little hussies in there place once and for all.(eg.) Crazy Lady! These women have just horted in on your man and you had me first and There just don't not be enough of Mr.Brian to go around.I am to old for this kind of stress.
So my dear Steffie,hugs to you and I hope it helps you to know others are praying for you and care for you.
Mr. Brian the male blogging studd muffin.
Golly i hope David does not read this and if he does he knows it is all in fun.
Hi David.:) :)
Steffie,
I truly feel your pain. I do. Pray, rest, follow your heart. I will pray for you.
He has a plan for you. This may be it/it may not be. But you will know where to go after some contemplative prayer and time.
Blessings,
Kim
P.S. I have not forgotten about the allergy e-mail. There is so much I want to share and I have not had a free second to really sit down and write it. I promise...give me a day. Kate is extremely clingy during the day and I am so tired at night!
Glad I could make you laugh.You just be sure Crazy Lady knows where she stands.
I have more fun being naughty with all you women.I have ALWAYS had lots more female friends then male friends.And you are in the top 10!!!!Maybe even the top 5????
hang in there frind.
Steff, you are stronger than you give yourself credit for ... you know God is calling you to adopt another child, so don't let satan put doubt in your heart ... i think you and David need to be on the same page about staying or switching agencies, but if you feel there is a child out there at another agency just pray, pray, pray ...
He will make your path clear and not always easy ...
i love ya !!!
Perfect post. I finally talked with our SW today and we're stuck. Nothing in our dossier will move over and we'll be out 6k if we move.
She actually told me our total wait should be 21 months, so we only have 13 more months to go. I couldn't believe it. I said, are you aware that only 4 months were processed all of last year and that right now they are only getting through 5 days a month??? We're in the same boat, you and I. I thank God you are here. Where would I be if I was all alone in this depressing nightmare.
I so feel your pain and I wish I could do something to take it away.
We went through the same thing while waiting for Zoe. We looked at special needs and had one file but she ended up having hep B and we had to say no, it was so sad. Spent lots of time on waiting child sites and then just went numb for a bit.
Sending hugs your way..
Stef,
I'm so sorry that you hurt.
This input may seem simplistic, but I believe in the power of God's Word. I believe that He feels your hurt, He hurts much deeper for these children.
His Word says:
Matt 11:28-30
28 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
NIV
1 Peter 5:7
7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
NIV
Give this over to Him. I know that you are like me- a FIXER. WE can make it all work if we just worry hard enough. NOT
You can't fix this. It's already out of your hands, so give it to God. Let Him lead your heart if you are to change anything. He will show you. He will open doors that NO man can close.
Trust the judgement of your hubby. Pray that the Lord shows him if you are to change and then let it go.
NO, don't just let it go- bring it directly to the hands of our Savior in prayer and then trust.
He is worthy of our trust.
Praying for you,
Sue
I am so sorry, I am sure it is so discouraging but you have been chosen by God to fill your heart and your home with a another precious little one and I know we never understand at the time, WHY? but there is a reason at the end of the tunnel why he will give you the strength and the patience to hold on to his faith and it will be all worth it when you are holding your child in your arms.
I know it is easy for me to say all these things, especially since we are not going through it again like you are, but it always helps to have a little reassurance sometimes.
I look forward to following your journey again and I will be here until the end with you sister!!!!
I am sorry Stef. It must be beyond frustrating and upsetting. Like the others who have told you, the only thing you can do is just have faith and trust in God. He knows what is best for you and your family. I know that is so very hard to do and hear. But when it comes right down to it, that is what we all must do.
One of the reasons why we did not pursue the China adoption further was because of the wait. I know in my heart I could not have done that wait at all.
P.S. Hi Michele Clay! Another PHS alumni. Good to "see" you.
Oh Steffie! I am so sorry you are blue. I have been gone awhile, and haven't been checking on you. I will pray for you. This journey God has placed us on is a roller coaster of emotions. I have never experienced anything like it! That let's me know (and should encourage you too) that the end result will be unimaginably glorious. As far as switching to SN, pray about it. God worked our hearts in directions that we would have never expected! Be open to change, but be sure that you are FOLLOWING HIM into that change.
I am so sorry you are so blue. I do understand your pain. Even though we only waited 6 months after LID, I waited YEARS knowing my child was out there, somewhere. It is so very hard. Listen to your heart and take all the time you need to experience your emotions. You will know what you are meant to do. As long and painful as the wait is right now, time WILL pass eventually. Someday, you will be on the other side of this wait and I hope it will be with the child you are hurting so badly for right now. Big hugs!!!!
Hope all is well...
I have been thinking about you...
Haven't seen you stop by in awhile..
I hope you find peace with this...
It is hard.. but don't let it get you down...
We are all here together for EACH OTHER...
Take care
HUGS.....
Kim
I'm so sorry you are so sad. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!
"I will wait for you"...wasn't that posted on your site???
I know how hard the waiting is for you, but you will get thru it and your daughter will be in your arms soon!
Peace to you,
Debra
Mama to Pru and Pei
I understand your pain and I am sorry you are having to go through this.
I remember when we were waiting for our precious Ellie back in 2001. The 7-9 month wait for referral turned into 14 months. Back then, communication was different than it is now and available information was limited. Sometimes I felt so in the dark, because we really weren't sure if we would ever really get our referral. I never dreamed we would have to wait as long as we did. I had pretty much disconnected my emotions from the child I hoped and dreamed of. Once we had her pictures it still didn't seem real to me. Yes, she was worth the wait,but I don't think I'd ever want to go through something like that again. I'll be praying for you!
Stuck in limbo sucks and I would not do it either. I was going to switch countries just before my referral came. I get you.
Hot yoga?
= Clarity.
Cuz the answers are already in you.
It hurts.
It is so hard to have your life seemingly on hold. Follow your heart and trust your instincts.
I wish there was something I could do or say that would make this easier for you.
(((hugs)))
This wait does stink bad. I am so sorry you are sad. I feel the sadness in blogland too and I hate it. I feel for every single person that is still waiting.
You are not alone in being blue. I've been feeling the same lately. If only we had a definite timeline, it would make things so much easier.
I am so sorry to hear you are feeling so blue and discouraged...don't know what I could say that would help...know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
I wish I could wave a magic wand and 2 years would go by in a blink of an eye. What ever you choose you will be giving a child a wonderful home no matter how long it takes.
I was supposed to wait 6 months. It was a two year process with an eighteen month wait. If you would take 2 cents from a stranger, here is mine. Hold on!!! When you seee your child's face the wait melts away. I would wait many years to hold this child again!
"Meredith Teagarden"
Step, I was drawn to your blog by the wonderful name, "Never Too Many." What a remarkable philosophy that is. If everyone embraced it, imagine what would happen to the orphan population. I share your frustration with the wait. I was in the same valley a month or so ago. My prayer for you is peace. The Lord will guide you.
Adrienne,Mom of 3 boys, LID 4-20-07
Hang in there Steffie. Put the blogging on hold, be with your family, find your center. I'm sending prayers your way.
Hugs my friend...
Take care
Kim
Wow - what an awfully long time to wait. Already you are loving this person by being so patient from afar.
I'm so sorry for what you're enduring. Hopefully things happen soon!!
Steffie, gosh girl I do know how you feel. I'm not going to tell you to stay busy. I know where your mind is right now. Yes, you are distracted. Irritable. Frustrated and down right pissed off. I would be too. But, you can not give up. Your little angel is waiting on you to bring her home where she belongs. Be strong my little cup cake.
I love you. Rony
Steffie,
I have had many of the same emotions you are describing while adopting. It can be a very draining and distracting process. I hope you find a way to refuel yourself. If you want a little inspiration, we were just matched from our agency's WC list after a 10 month wait. It was hard seeing children waiting on other lists in the meantime. However, of course now we know just who we were waiting for. I would encourage you to stay with the path you started on. It worked for us. April
Oh what encouragement you have been to me during my Long wait, now it is my turn to encourage you. The wait is SO hard!! When we started our journey, it was going to be a 6-7 month wait. just days after our LID is when CCAA did the post on their website hinting at the slow down. I didn't think I could stand the wait to be any longer. 1 year came and went. for 9 months I posted that we were 1 or 2 months away from a referral!! I felt like I was losing it, I saw THE look (oh sure, right, your adopting). I thought I couldn't wait 12 - 18 months - we waited 21 1/2 instead. Then, we got caught by the no travel in Oct. and have to wait an extra 6 weeks before we can go get her, and she WAS young at referral. And then there is all the trials that came about in the last 6 -8 months of our wait. God's grace just showed up in an incredible way. God's grace is always bigger than our struggles. I can't even remember how I found your blog, but you have been an incredible comfort to me during my wait, you have such a beautiful family. You are in my prayers
Becky
awaitingmissemily.blogspot.com
Steffie,
As you know, there is nothing I can say to answer your questions or to make this wait move along faster.
But what I CAN do is buy you a drink on Saturday night, and listen, and commiserate.
Until Saturday....
Post a Comment