~ { Finding Olivia Grace } ~

As many of you know, when we came home in April, 2oo5 with Sophia,...... David, Emmie and I were in a magical euphoric state of mind as a family. The journey to bring Sophia home was nothing short of amazing. Before we even left China, I knew in my heart I would be back for another daughter. In June of 2005 I began looking at the special needs children. At that time, agencies were allowed to post pictures and brief info about waiting children. It was then that I knew I was going to be the one to find Olivia Grace. I wasn't going to get that exciting phone call telling me the news......I was going to find her. Well.........our dream came to a halt because by the end of August of that same year, I found out I was pregnant after 10 1/2 years of not thinking that would ever happen again. While I understood that it was a true miracle and a gift from the Lord, there was a part of my soul that was devastated. I could not imagine how blessing me with another biological child was more important than bringing home another orphan child. So, after about two months, I let go of the dream of Olivia Grace. Or at least I pushed it far, far from my mind. By the time Daniel was 8 months old, she was haunting my soul again and by April of 2007, two years later, we were DTC again. We knew we were going SN and I began looking at the list as our agency got new referrals for waiting children. THEN....my agency changed the rules. They decided because they had so many families looking at the waiting children, that until they had a confirmed "through the review room", you had to wait and could no longer put in your request for children. Although I was devastated, I also realized that it was allowing the three children I had at home to grow up a bit more. Moving on to spring of 2008, the wait was getting more difficult for me. Rumors were out about a new special needs program that China was going to implement. We kept waiting and waiting to hear what that would be. In June, another list with my agency came out and I was drawn to a little boy with a heart defect. Technically, by my agencies rules, were were not allowed to request any of these children. Being the rebel that I am.....we did. I knew right then and there I could bring home a son. I called my social worker and told her I had to do this, my heart was telling me to and whatever the outcome, I at least would know in my heart I made a plea for this boy. We didn't get him. Emmie cried for 3 days I think. It is always so hard. In July, we decided to do a concurrent adoption and found another child with another agency from another country. We were about 3 weeks into the paperwork (without being locked on to her) when China released the new program. We decided to halt the other adoption and proceed with our agency. We filled out all the necessary new paperwork to go along with this new special needs program. We were asked at that point if we would consider a boy and we told them "no". In our minds (David and Emmie)....we had been waiting for a girl for so long....that was our plan. I told David and Emmie to pray about it, because I already knew where my heart was. It was at the end of August, the first home football game of the season, and David came up beside me and told me that he had been praying about this.....he said......God doesn't tell us to bring home the orphan girls.....he tell us to bring home the orphans. Enough said. I called my sw and we switched to either gender and also switched mental gears from Olivia to Andrew. We knew without a shadow of a doubt we would get matched with a boy. Andrew comes home in April of 2009. ************************ I really, really tried to find inner peace. A fulfilled sense about my family. I couldn't. Olivia was still there.....one week after coming home with Andrew. It was back and forth with my agency if China would except us or not...it was no, then it was yes, then back to no, we talked about other countries..... then finally to a yes, you can adopt from China again. I thought I was going to have a nervous break down over it all. I pleaded with the Lord.........I pleaded that he would let David's heart be open to one more.....to add just a little bit more craziness to our daily lives.....I sobbed that night in December to him....telling him I could feel her in my soul, that she was there waiting for us.....and my husband looked at me with tears in his own eyes and told me yes....but that I had to promise that she really would be the last one. ************* We began putting our dossier together in Jan. It was at that time that I figured out that the previous agency that I already filled paper work out for allowed their China families to view the SN list. Mine does not. So you can only imagine where I am going with this right????? Yep...I started requesting files and looking at various needs once again. I was trying to get my dossier together a bit more before I dropped the bomb on my social worker that I once again had access to this list. ( I did for Andrew as well....but that is another story...lol ) By the mid January, my agency was coming home with 81 children from the same orphanage as Andrew and we were told that they would allow us to to be included in the first round of families getting to view them. We were so excited. There were complete write ups of these children along with video. It was heart wrenching. We found two girls. A 6 year old and an 8 year old. I was very drawn to the 8 year old....you see when I was in China this last time, I saw older children being adopted.....so in my heart, I already knew that Olivia might be older than Sophia. But I also knew in my heart that the Lord would guide us all through this transition should that be the case. David and Emmie only wanted to request the 6 year old. Emmie said if the 8 year old was still on the list if we were not matched then maybe that was our sign. Our agency was going to re-release the list after the first round of matching and include more families at that time. Well....we were not matched with the 6 year old.....I was sad, but happy because she was matched. You have to give praise for that! By 4pm that day the list was re-released and our 8 year old was there. I called my sw.....and I know she tried so hard to get them to match us with her, but they felt they had to follow the rules. They also told my sw that no one had requested her the first round. I had to pull over on the side of the road that day......I was sobbing.....I don't even remember what I said to my sw.....I remember where I was....and I will always, always remember that day.....I felt as though I had failed her, failed in my faith and failed God. I thought for sure she would be ours. We had to wait 4 days....and when Monday came....they had not made a decision......the team was struggling on what to do......because someone else had asked for her and they had been waiting longer. They gave her to the other family. I understood the whole process....but I was beyond devastated. This was by far the hardest adoption rejection.....it took me about 3 weeks to recover. It was also at that time that China changed the rules again, and until you had a confirmed LID, you could not be matched. So......that pretty much summed it up. I stopped requesting files because I knew I would go out of my mind. But I looked......there are over 1800 children. At times it was more than I could handle. We were DTC in May.....I did not announce this because I was worried that something was not going to go right. I knew we would not make the May list and I knew we would not make the June list. So when the announcement came in July, we still did not have our "confirmed" LID. Two days later we got our confirmed LID. That night I stalked the list and found 4 girls. Friday morning I sent the file......"Olivia's file" to my pediatrician. She said the "post op" looked good. She was a heart girl like Andrew. However, I could see that her condition was more severe than Andrews. Monday morning I faxed it to our Cardiologist. He called back within the hour and basically gave us the green light. I was shaking as I picked up the phone to tell my sw I had found her. A few more things happened in those two days, but when it came down to it.....I found my girl. She has been in my heart since June of 2005. After my sw called and said she had been locked on to us.....I got off the phone I sat down by my husband and cried. I said this wait is finally over.....and he said....and you found her....just like you said you were going to do. And today we got our pre-approval.......she is ours.....I really did find my girl! ;)