Can't Close The Door

For the past few months I have been trying to close the door. Trying to close the door on the adoption journey that is in my heart. Trying to feel and tell myself that my family is complete and I should be thankful....which I am. So very, very thankful. I was doing a pretty good job at closing the door. Even though she comes to my mind, even though I have a file with her pictures, even though I keep telling myself someone is sure to review her file. Wondering if she could be mine. Ignoring the emails that come to me daily...."Waiting Child that matches your interest"..... I tell myself.....no......move on and close the door. The last few days "things" have been brought to my attention. New updated information on her. Emails from my agencies China Coordinator telling me of some new possibilities for our family. I find out that our coordinator was in the country at the end of September with officials from CC*A discussing a possible new program. How she told my social worker.....please tell the Beckering family of this possibility. No I tell myself....I have made peace. Close the door.

However, I am wondering if the Lord is trying to tell me something else.....something like.....Steffie, we aren't closing the door yet. I want to remind him that I have a child that still needs heart surgery, that I have another child that is suffering from migraines and is starting a 12 week PT/Counseling Bio Feedback program in November. That I have another child that I believe has some sensory issues, although he has not been "diagnosed" with this, 3 wonderful women have been placed in my life that do have children with this and have taken the time to discuss this with me.....even weekly. That I have a husband that will tell you 7 is enough. Then there is our little ray of sunshine who says she needs another sister. The ray of sunshine that started it all. The one I have told.....I think we are done, sweet angel of mine. To which I hear her respond....why? I wonder if the Lord forgot that I cleaned and purged the playroom so I could turn it into an office....not another bedroom. Perhaps he was busy that day and hasn't been by to see my progress on the room.

How is it that I get an email today from a friend, guiding me to an article of a family in the next town that has adopted their 14th child? An older child. A child that would have had no hope because she was turning 14 and made it out 2 days before her birthday. I have thought about the older children. We have adopted an 8 month old and a 3.5 year old.......why are the older children on my heart now? Our family is so busy. Surely the Lord knows that?!?!?!? Surely the Lord knows that he will have to plant that deeper seed in my husband. Not for the orphans, but another one Lord? Seriously? Don't you think that I/we are busy enough, patience worn thin some days and hardly keeping the schedule straight as it is? There is a time when all doors must close......do I fight to shut the door or fight to open it wider.....Lord, could you just make it clear to me? You know that the thought consumes me at times.......there are days I can feel her.... and days I feel like I just don't know......could you just make it clear....clear to all of us? Please?