How I Get Through The Wait

Who is Steffie B?

When I was pregnant with Emmie I had already decided that from the moment I came home with her that I would play classical music while she slept. I grew up having the same done for me. My Mother came home from a trip to The Netherlands that summer and gave me a CD with beautiful flute music played by a Dutch flutist. I loved it and listened to it until I gave birth. Emmie listened to it until she was about 3 years old and then I switched to other classical music. I kept this CD in a special place.....little did I know I would be passing it on.

When we were waiting for Sophia I wanted to feel a connection to her and have a daily reminder that she was coming, that she was real, that I really was waiting for a baby from China. I wore a red thread bracelet that I bought from China Sprout. I loved it. I also did the link bracelets....one for Emmie and one for Sophia. I wore all 3 through the entire wait and then to China and did not take them off until she returned home. It is now in her keepsake box. I also bought a CD that I thought would connect me with her as well. It was Feng Shui. I remember sitting outside, it was summer, a beautiful sunny day. I cranked up the CD as I was laying out in the sun . Suddenly song #4 began and I instantly started to cry. This was it....the song that made me feel her little soul....I knew she waiting......the song was called Fire. This journey I was on was new to me, I was very emotional during the wait, the uncertainty of it all, the worry.....and this CD and song would move me. I'm a very deep thinker....and I would spend quite a bit of time listening to this CD. I had copies of it every where. The downstairs system, my car, Sophia's room, my room...... I have given the CD out as a gift.....it was just planted very deeply in my soul. Things like this I do not question....it is there for a reason. However, I knew once she came home, she would also listen to the Thijs Van Leer CD just like Emmie did. Sophia now listens to the Feng Shui CD because...... again....little did I know..... I would yet again be transferring this CD to another room of the house basically one year later! ;)

While I waited for Daniel, I guess it was clear to me that he would also be listening to the same CD that his sister's did. And for two years now....he has been. It's funny to have him in the room that we built for Emmie fourteen years ago. It is now "All Boy"......I never dreamed I'd do a boy's room. I love this boy to pieces....I can now understand when people say that there is something special about Mommy's and their little boys. We do have a very deep love. I have so many hopes and dreams for him. He is Sophia's special gift sent just for her. Now as we wait.....and wait....and wait, I am again hoping and praying to pass on the CD that has meant so much to me. He will then listen to other classical music.

And now, as I wait to bring another child home, I felt that she too, needed her own music, her own songs for me to tell her about someday, just as I will the others. I found this particular CD to be moving to me in a much different way than Sophia's CD did. Mind you, this is about my fourth CD purchase while waiting for Baby O. I have listened to several and just could really not make a connection. There are two songs on this CD. The first one is called "Pagoda In The Mist" which I found to be quite appropriate since I love pagodas. When this song came on I could envision her running around the orphanage or foster home. I can hear the pitter patter of her feet......I can see the curiosity in her eyes as she plays with the other children that she knows to be her family. I can see her bundled up in all of her crazy layers of clothing looking like a little Buddha. I can envision her black hair and her eyes.....there are days that I can just really feel her in my soul. I also hear the repetition of the days schedule.....feeding time, changing time, nap time and so on. And near the end.....I see her looking at the moon....waiting for me to come and bring her home. This song gives me hope. Then a few days later another particular song kept nagging at me. I couldn't figure out what it was at first and then I could feel it......not only feel it in regards to

Baby O, but to Sophia as well. The song is called "Lotus Moon". In this song I hear the joy of giving birth to a beautiful baby girl. The gazing into each to each others eyes, the joy a Mother feels as she holds her precious gift. The music is so serene.... and then it transitions into what I feel is the grieving that the Mother feels as she must make the decision and journey to a far off place to give up her child. To place her/him somewhere where they will be found quickly, to write a note or not, to light that fire cracker to let them know there is a baby at the gate and then actually walking away??????? Every time I hear this song it nearly take my breath away and I feel like I need to gasp for air. I see the entire abandonment process, the tears, the guilt, the fear, the agony of making this decision, the hope of forgiveness.... and yet not really understanding why.....other than for different rules of a country and things I will never know. It truly is a beautiful song and it moves me like no other. I listen to this CD everyday...many times.....it takes me to a whole different world.... I know that many of us have and do give thanks to our children's birth parents.....but have any of you ever really stopped and thought about the agony? When I hold Sophia at night or even when I just look at her, there are many times I must fight back the tears.....I just can't even imagine....... I would die for my children.....I will/would never leave them. Our children's journey to unite with our family's is so deep....I pray I have the words of comfort when the time comes. Please dear Lord, let me have the words.